woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
