this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
