i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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