i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The uberlube is also flammable
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
