I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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