Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just had sex on a roof
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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