we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
