what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
