You kept calling me your small dog last night.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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