you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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