College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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