I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
