I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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