dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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