i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
