We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
