Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
