She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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