I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
