tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
