How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
