saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i love accidental penises.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
