3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
