I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
