you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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