remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
