Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
