I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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