Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
