Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize