that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
