I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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