I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
