did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
