Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
