Plan B is the new Plan A
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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