I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
