why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
