I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish I only lived at night.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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