Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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