So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
