I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
