I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
