I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
