Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
