and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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