woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
