Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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