Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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