I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
