She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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