I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
