A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
