so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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