life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am midnight drunk by noon
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she pinky promised me she was 18
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
