Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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