Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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